@SvnSxty

*stuck in traffic*

Me: *rolling down the windows* finally everyone can enjoy my rap demo

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@KyleMcDowell86

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

@Dadpression

“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers

@briangaar

*interrupts parent & child on bus* Actually thats not true, Wolverine has died many times *they get up* Your mother cant shelter you forever

@MikeDrucker

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

@ArfMeasures

Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic

@ItsAndyRyan

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

@Mechaniz10

Surprise her for breakfast by wearing nothing but a giant pancake.

Not all heroes wear crepes.

@Bandersnaaatch

Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.

@lazerdoov

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes