*stuck in traffic*

Me: *rolling down the windows* finally everyone can enjoy my rap demo

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HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s


“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”


*interrupts parent & child on bus* Actually thats not true, Wolverine has died many times *they get up* Your mother cant shelter you forever


I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.


Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic


*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture


Surprise her for breakfast by wearing nothing but a giant pancake.

Not all heroes wear crepes.


Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.


*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes