stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
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Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
(yawn)
Employees must applaud the planets.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?