Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way

ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys

me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.

“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”

I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares

“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”

I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!

People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.

Sex so good your binoculars fog up.

“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once

set yourself free xox

when a toddler tells a story

Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!

I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..

Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat

Navy: (subtweets)

Army: (helicoptertweets)