[stuck on an island]
message in bottle: if anyone gets this, please save us
bottle returns: if this gets 10k RTs on Twitter we’ll send help

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I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.


my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me


Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.


If someone writes you a long email that ends with “Thoughts?” just reply “Nope.”


“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”

{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”


GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*


her: why are u breaking up with me

me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen


When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.