Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
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It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time