Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
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It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
The scary moment when the person you just watched sneeze in their hand wants to shake your hand
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta
He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Dear white people: you stop Adam Sandler from making movies and we’ll stop Eddie Murphy.