[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
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wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better