Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”

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my dog hates his nails getting clipped so my dad literally bought a purse & cut holes in it


Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house


[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again


They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.


Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.


i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus


I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen


– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat dude.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”


Twitter was down for a couple of hours but I didn’t panic at all. I dialed 911 and calmly told them “people are about to die”. Then Hung up.