Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
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When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.