*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
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“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”nnnExpecting that Father of the Year award any day now
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some midol.
Common sense: Walk away.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.