Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

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My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.


honey the ppl of atlantis lost an entire city & thats like 2000x bigger than a baby so idk if all this yellin is necessary


once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches


Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.


My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.


I’m getting married!

Well, I have a new boyfriend!

Okay, I have a date for tomorrow night!

FINE. Shoe salesman said “Come back soon”.


When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.


I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.


Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?

Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back