My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
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honey the ppl of atlantis lost an entire city & thats like 2000x bigger than a baby so idk if all this yellin is necessary
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
I’m getting married!
Well, I have a new boyfriend!
Okay, I have a date for tomorrow night!
FINE. Shoe salesman said “Come back soon”.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Have you guys ever seen any of my exes?