Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
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Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community