STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
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*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Worth the read.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.