Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
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Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!