@Try2StopME

Student: “May I go to the toilet?”

Teacher: “What for?”

Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”

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@Shade510

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

@iamspacegirl

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

@OVLH

“He’s more scared of you than you are of him” – Girl coaching her friend into talking to me

@weinerdog4life

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

@MichaelJTiberi

Why is everyone bragging about how great it is to have kids? I slept till noon today, and the only person who threw up last night was me.

@donttouchjames

i heard a couple arguing in mcdonalds and the guy stood up and said “i’m mcdone with you” and walked out

@jake_lach

You know you’ve seen too many walking dead episodes when your hand gets stung by a bee and you start screaming for everyone to cut it off

@juliussharpe

I don’t understand why people always fight becoming a zombie or vampire. Both seem awesome because you don’t have to have a job.