Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
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the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
time machine? you mean a clock?
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.