@Try2StopME

Student: “May I go to the toilet?”

Teacher: “What for?”

Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”

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@emmaberen

with absolutely zero exaggeration I think I can say that this is the funniest thing I have ever seen

@sirchutney

Just finished reading a book on Stockholm Syndrome.

I really didn’t like the first couple of chapters, but by the end I loved it.

@iGreenGod

My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.

I should probably have stopped when I got to her name

@devc0ol

Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.

@Darlainky

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

@DiamondLou69

Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.

@Brianhopecomedy

My buddy has a telescope but I don’t think he uses it for astronomy. I asked what his favourite constellation was and he said, “Samantha”.

@TheHatdog

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

@JB4Realz

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

@01CandyQueen

I hate when people say,
“You barely touched your food” like what do you want me to do stroke it?