You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
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If you didn’t want me to wash my car on your lawn than you never should have turned your sprinkler on.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
me: maybe those nazi salutes… we’re just them reaching for the stars…
McDonald’s manager: this is the fastest I’ve ever fired someone
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
*Slides a five across the bar*
Bartender: Did you… Did you break this off our sign out front?
Me: (Confidently) tap water please.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.