STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
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ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
My patience has stretch marks.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine