STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
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Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
choose your fighter
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”