Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
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If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Whisper out to librarians!
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.