“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
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I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Florida be like…
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*