Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
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when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Peace was never an option
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps