Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
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Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica