Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
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Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?