Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
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This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
I cross-bred an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you’re interested in a pretty amazing hug.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Me: Write it down.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.