@KellyMeldrum

Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.

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@WilliamAder

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

@_Ms_Moneypenny_

This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*

– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table ūüôĀ

@_steamy_mac

I cross-bred an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you’re interested in a pretty amazing hug.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Doctor: you’re not going to make it

Me: give me a number doc

Doctor: 8

Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*

Doctor: damn son

@EyalAlony

Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?

Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.

Hostess:

Me: Write it down.

@jackiembouvier

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

@Angibangie

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

@Shen_the_Bird

[first day at mcdonalds]

guy: can i get a large fry

me: you mean like a potato

@climaxximus

Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.