Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
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“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
It be like that sometimes 😆
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am