@dadofbieber

Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.

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@jackiembouvier

I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.

@floydimus

“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”

Brain: LOL

Empty bottles: LOL

Wine shop owner: LOL

New bottle: LOL

Bottle opener: LOL

Liver: LOL

Me: LOL

@daemonic3

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

@sarah_ogun

Imma need the barbs, beyhive, k pop stan Twitter, navy, and retired 1D stans to join forces and rig this election. I know y’all can do it

@malt_skull

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

@Kyle_Raney

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”

@iwearaonesie

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

@BuckyIsotope

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

@ArfMeasures

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school