[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
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Wife: My friend’s turkey died. She’s really sad. I want to bring her something. What can I get her?
Me: How about some gravy?
My son asked me what humble means. I told him it means pretending you’re not better than everybody else.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?
You are the banner of my existence.