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I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON