[walking through park with date]
Did u know there’s more vitamin C in pine needles than in an orange
[blood is just pouring from my mouth]
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
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hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Netflix: we are the top online streaming service. Best in the world.
Me: can I rewind 10 seconds without ruining everything?
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules