@i_Lean

Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.

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@LeBearGirdle

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

@JohnLyonTweets

Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?

Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.

@Awk0Tacoo

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

@LorieGZ

Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.

@SirEviscerate

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.

@GrantTanaka

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

@IamEveryDayPpl

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

@nappydolemite

I love hoodies because maybe I work out, maybe I ate 4 whole large pizzas last week. You don’t know.

@NORMALHUMAN4

To truly understand the impact of the boys being back in town, one must first examine the circumstances that led to the boys’ departure in the first place. In this essay, I will

@steeve_again

School Review Board: you only want pure blood children to attend?

Salazar Slytherin: that is true.

School Review Board: and you have a room with a giant snake that attacks children?

Salazar Slytherin: also true.

School Review Board: *stamp* approved