@i_Lean

Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.

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@BoozeWallet

[walking through park with date]

Did u know there’s more vitamin C in pine needles than in an orange

[blood is just pouring from my mouth]

@randygdub

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

@JohnLyonTweets

IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?

Me: They’re my dependencies.

IRS: It’s “dependents.”

Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?

@thenatewolf

Netflix: we are the top online streaming service. Best in the world.

Me: can I rewind 10 seconds without ruining everything?

Netflix: no

@robdelaney

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.

@SwedishCanary

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.

@the_real_bnell

The Office: Coronavirus

Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this

Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity

Angela wears a hazmat suit

Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine

@WritingWilkie

The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.

@Gre_Gone

[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

@Fred_Delicious

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules