Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
You Might Also Like
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.