“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
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“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
This is the best one I’ve seen
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.