@KeetPotato

[studying beached whale]
its a new species bill think of a name
ok um
*surfer walks by*
yo killer whale dude
*biologists look at each other*

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Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

@MelvinofYork

I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise

@thenatewolf

My targeted ads keep trying to sell me a new mattress. Come on, Google. Stop pretending like you don’t know exactly how much I have in the bank right now. Send me an ad for $5 footlongs or bulk rice or something.

@Jennarater

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.

@HumorParasite

Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?

@Kyle_Lippert

Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
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@isabelzawtun

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

@ericsshadow

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.