@KeetPotato

[studying beached whale]
its a new species bill think of a name
ok um
*surfer walks by*
yo killer whale dude
*biologists look at each other*

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@daemonic3

[shark tank]

“Hi, what’s your product idea?”

Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake

@blondecalamity

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

@flashember

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

@KentWGraham

When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.

@officialjaden

If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It

@Quartzjixler

Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

@Contwixt

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

@someofmybest

“I hate fake girls.” *a nearby girl’s coat busts open and four dogs tumble out*

@Heather2go

Rules to live by:

1. Be kind to strangers
2. Don’t cheat on your taxes
3. Everything in moderation
4. Bury the body at sea