“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
[studying beached whale]
its a new species bill think of a name
*surfer walks by*
yo killer whale dude
*biologists look at each other*
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Hey, did anyone ever find out what does impress Shania Twain?
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
“I hate fake girls.” *a nearby girl’s coat busts open and four dogs tumble out*
Rules to live by:
1. Be kind to strangers
2. Don’t cheat on your taxes
3. Everything in moderation
4. Bury the body at sea