I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
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NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David