This sounds bad:
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I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
The Backseat Boys
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!