“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

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I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30’s not living up to his full potential.


teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]


2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.


[on my deathbed in 50 years] ugh when that hostess said “enjoy your meal” why did I reply “you too”


My whole life has felt like one big hammock and everybody is watching me try to get out of it.


According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying


Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.