@SamGrittner

“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

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@JermHimselfish

I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30’s not living up to his full potential.

@Reverend_Scott

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES

@DaddyGrownup

2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.

@nickwiger

[on my deathbed in 50 years] ugh when that hostess said “enjoy your meal” why did I reply “you too”

@Sassafrantz

My whole life has felt like one big hammock and everybody is watching me try to get out of it.

@ItsDanSheehan

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

@Cheeseboy22

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.