Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
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Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter