Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
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based al yankovic
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Imma just leave this here…………
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.