Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
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ME: Since Tatooine has 2 suns shouldn’t Luke Skywalker cast 2 shadows?
GEORGE LUCAS:*pressing intercom* Security, she’s in the house again.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I’m just a girl
In a room full of people
Wondering how the hell I managed to miss my chair again
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*