@squirrel74wkgn

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

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@Average_Dad1

Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others

I: and your greatest strength?

Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority

@EyeSeeYou619

ME: Since Tatooine has 2 suns shouldn’t Luke Skywalker cast 2 shadows?
GEORGE LUCAS:*pressing intercom* Security, she’s in the house again.

@Thedudish

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

@abbycohenwl

When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped

@VerifiedDrunk

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

@Smooheed

I’m just a girl

In a room full of people

Wondering how the hell I managed to miss my chair again

@Holy_Mowgli

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

@squirrel74wkgn

Car salesmen: Good evening

Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND

@pudding_club

*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”