[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

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Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others

I: and your greatest strength?

Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority


ME: Since Tatooine has 2 suns shouldn’t Luke Skywalker cast 2 shadows?
GEORGE LUCAS:*pressing intercom* Security, she’s in the house again.


Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.


When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped


Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?


I’m just a girl

In a room full of people

Wondering how the hell I managed to miss my chair again


ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs


Car salesmen: Good evening



*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*