Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
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What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
this is the greatest thing ever
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah