Me: are you ready?
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
You Might Also Like
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
My jelly donut didn’t have any jelly in it, so I don’t want to hear about your trivial issues.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Tattoos are like babies. You don’t dare tell the truth and say they’re ugly.
INTERVIEWER: what is your greate-
INTERVIEWER: … greatest weakness
ME: mindreading poorly