@TheCatWhisprer

STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home

ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok

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@Mirimade

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

@TheBoydP

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

@ch000ch

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

@Brampersandon_

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

@TheBoydP

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

@truegritrumble

Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”

@yeaanotherchris

My jelly donut didn’t have any jelly in it, so I don’t want to hear about your trivial issues.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon

@realHamOnWry

Tattoos are like babies. You don’t dare tell the truth and say they’re ugly.

@theb0tfather

INTERVIEWER: what is your greate-

ME: mindreading.

INTERVIEWER: … greatest weakness

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME: mindreading poorly