STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
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“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
The Birdles
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I know this now 😂
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.