Stupid Autocorrect you’re always posting some thong you didn’t Nintendo

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Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar


her: i like a man with ambitions

me: i am going to kill the moon

her: professional ambitions

me: i am going to kill the moon, for money


Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.


Boss : You are not allowed to drink in the office.

Beer Fan : Budweiser?


The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price is Right” audience.


2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.


I just had ‘the talk’ with my kid. You know, the one where you break the news that Batman isn’t real.


Realizing his terrible mistake, Judas bitterly hurled his half-eaten Klondike bar into the sea.