I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
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How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Imma just leave this here…………
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”