@InnocentMarina6

Stupid Autocorrect you’re always posting some thong you didn’t Nintendo

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@kerouac741

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

@fuckthem00n

her: i like a man with ambitions

me: i am going to kill the moon

her: professional ambitions

me: i am going to kill the moon, for money

@chopper4jk

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

@BreachingBad

Boss : You are not allowed to drink in the office.

Beer Fan : Budweiser?

@tdwyer618

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price is Right” audience.

@MattMcC1

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.

@mishakey

I just had ‘the talk’ with my kid. You know, the one where you break the news that Batman isn’t real.

@Cpin42

Realizing his terrible mistake, Judas bitterly hurled his half-eaten Klondike bar into the sea.