I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
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If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what