“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
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After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”