Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
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Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler