Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
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A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Is….Is this an option?
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
and now we wait
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible