Me to myself: don’t eat it you need to lose weight.
Also me: watch me eat this entire pizza.
Stupidity is dangerous, and thanks to social media we have managed to weaponize it.
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Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Doctor: What seems to be th-
Me: -Medicinal marijuana!
Doc: I’m sorry?
Me: Let’s start with the answer, then work on the problem, ok?
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE, OPEN THE DOOR NOW
Me: Not with that attitude
I’ve been hitting “remind me later” for about the last 4 years on Adobe.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
“MY DUST COLLECTION!”