@FormerGrunt

Stupidity is dangerous, and thanks to social media we have managed to weaponize it.

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@food_shoes_life

Me to myself: don’t eat it you need to lose weight.

Also me: watch me eat this entire pizza.

@TravLeBlanc

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

@Carbosly

Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.

@DrakeGatsby

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

@AimeeHelene1

*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”

@better_off_dad

Doctor: What seems to be th-

Me: -Medicinal marijuana!

Doc: I’m sorry?

Me: Let’s start with the answer, then work on the problem, ok?

@gingerfaced

I’ve been hitting “remind me later” for about the last 4 years on Adobe.

@neiltyson

A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”