STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
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[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
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“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive