[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
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Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore