Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.

explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

ugh not again

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

My body is a temple

for potatoes.

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom

I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.

6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken

😳

At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.

Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”

I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.