“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
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My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
When can I start eating bats again.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.