God: The bones will fall out of their mouths as children to teach them that bodies are full of betrayal
Angel: So, new diet not going well?
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
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Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
All I’m saying is if I were president I would make a law banning women from saying “We need to talk”
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ?? ???? is ????? ???? and ?? ????.
If you encounter another Dad in the wild wearing a #1 Dad shirt, you must fight to the death.
Disneyland has never been so fun
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time