@jackiembouvier

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

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@iamspacegirl

God: The bones will fall out of their mouths as children to teach them that bodies are full of betrayal

Angel: So, new diet not going well?

@2Saddington

Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two

Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too

@Sean_Burgundy_

All I’m saying is if I were president I would make a law banning women from saying “We need to talk”

@fro_vo

[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ?? ???? is ????? ???? and ?? ????.

@Mr_Kapowski

If you encounter another Dad in the wild wearing a #1 Dad shirt, you must fight to the death.

Disneyland has never been so fun

@theshantilly

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

@mela_shea

A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.

@kenzianidiot

devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat

@TheBoydP

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

@panmidwest

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time