Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

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God: The bones will fall out of their mouths as children to teach them that bodies are full of betrayal

Angel: So, new diet not going well?


Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two

Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too


All I’m saying is if I were president I would make a law banning women from saying “We need to talk”


[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ?? ???? is ????? ???? and ?? ????.


If you encounter another Dad in the wild wearing a #1 Dad shirt, you must fight to the death.

Disneyland has never been so fun


If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING


A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.


devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat


How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?


[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time