Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
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I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”