Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
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“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
I drew y’all a little something.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.