I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
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I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
They got Raph!
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.