@MyHairyLife

Subway calling their employees sandwich artists must really piss off people who actually paint sandwiches for a living.

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@CatsVsHumanity

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

@AmishPornStar1

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

@AimeeHelene1

Hotel garbage cans are way too small.

How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!

@dafloydsta

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

@TheBoydP

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

@joshgondelman

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

@BradBroaddus

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..