Subway calling their employees sandwich artists must really piss off people who actually paint sandwiches for a living.

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Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are


So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?


Hotel garbage cans are way too small.

How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!


[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony


How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?


If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.


DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”