SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
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Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I’m tired tomorrow.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Adultry does not sound fun at all
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.