SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
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I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.