SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
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Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.