@brandonIee

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

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@aspiringtoucan

BUT WHY THE HELL is it called BUG spray not disINSECTant

*Walmart worker who I have in a headlock in aisle 4* Sir please stop I don’t know

@Jennco_W

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

@TrueTorontoGirl

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

@amyenterprise

Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.

@aneesa_p

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

@Jamberee13

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

@markedly

Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up

@robfee

If you watch The Blindside backwards, Sandra Bullock becomes so disappointed in her black son that she abandons him on the side of the road.

@C00LpenNAME

*Ghost Jail

Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice