@brandonIee

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

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@RealSudoNim

This relationship is over. Over. ~dumping someone via walkie talkie.

@bonesher

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

@AnkCoupleTO

Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*

@ClichedOut

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?

@Sickayduh

“Well, congrats. You’re a homeowner now. Any questions?”

“Yeah. Sam put those glasses on eBay, why didn’t the Decepticons just bid on em?”

@Donna_McCoy

Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.

@samalmightysam

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

@blade_funner

Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.

@AddledPixie

I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.