Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:


Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

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BUT WHY THE HELL is it called BUG spray not disINSECTant

*Walmart worker who I have in a headlock in aisle 4* Sir please stop I don’t know


Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.


Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.


Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.


I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.


A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo


Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up


If you watch The Blindside backwards, Sandra Bullock becomes so disappointed in her black son that she abandons him on the side of the road.


*Ghost Jail

Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice