Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
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Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.