Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:


Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

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This relationship is over. Over. ~dumping someone via walkie talkie.


him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.


Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*


*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?


“Well, congrats. You’re a homeowner now. Any questions?”

“Yeah. Sam put those glasses on eBay, why didn’t the Decepticons just bid on em?”


Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.


No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.


Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.


I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.