Things I use my car for, from most to least:
1)Tweeting while parked
3)Transporting bugs that can fly but are lazy
Subway is great if you want to eat 12 meatballs in bread and pretend it’s healthy.
You Might Also Like
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
*changes t shirts*
I’m not dying in an Eagles shirt
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
You’d think that atoms bonding with other atoms would mean they’re being friendly, but really they steal each other’s electrons.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder
*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Looking back through old photos I’ve decided the most flattering angle for me is 1997
*First day as an exorcist*
ME: [voice a bit louder than normal] Just gonna put this GHOST PIE on top of this harmless pile of leaves. Sure hope no GHOSTS see it…