@McClaneJohn2

Subway is great if you want to eat 12 meatballs in bread and pretend it’s healthy.

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@SaraMansford

Things I use my car for, from most to least:

1)Tweeting while parked
2)Snacking
3)Transporting bugs that can fly but are lazy
4)Driving

@tazsme

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

@perlapell

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

@WisdomGifs

You’d think that atoms bonding with other atoms would mean they’re being friendly, but really they steal each other’s electrons.

How ionic.

@JessObsess

ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder

*1 week later

ME: You still want a divorce?

THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING

@portmanteauface

Looking back through old photos I’ve decided the most flattering angle for me is 1997

@thenatewolf

*First day as an exorcist*

ME: [voice a bit louder than normal] Just gonna put this GHOST PIE on top of this harmless pile of leaves. Sure hope no GHOSTS see it…