subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog

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Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.




I hate when I’m telling my best friend a story and she gets all judgmental and walks off to get a drink from her water bowl.


Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.


I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom


We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore


*Speed Dating*

Me: What’d you have for lunch?

Her: Funny you should ask, I had this really great salad wit…

Me: NEXT!!


[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop